Quarter Year Milestones

Now that my little man has been a part of the world for three months, he has grown and changed so much already.

He’s been a flirt since day one. Grinning and laughing at mommy and mostly any girl he’s come in contact with. He’s such a Mack Daddy. And he has already been giving mommy kisses these last three months. He’s quite the charmer.

His early head and neck control combined with incredible back and arm strength make for an extremely squirmy boy. We know any day now he’s going to crawl right out of our arms and make his debut in the Olympics. Probably tomorrow actually…

That head control. Let’s talk about tummy time. He’s not a fan, but he KILT it. Upper body strength and head control for daaaaaayyyyyyys.

And he already tries to sit up… (What?! He’s too little for that!) But this guy is bound and determined.

Talking. Since just a couple of weeks old, he already fluently speaks his own language. (I know what you’re thinking… WHAAAT??? You don’t say!… But it is so, totally true!) Using his early developed language skills proves that he is one smart cookie. And when he’s well rested he’s such a comedian. He’s constantly cracking the funniest jokes, making everyone laugh.

Also he has graduated from sneezing in threes to only once or twice… sometimes. (He’s been a sneezer since he was born–gets it from his daddy).

I’m not sure what newborns dream about, but man it must be funny. He’s been chuckling (the cutest sounds ever) in his sleep since we brought him home. And now that he’s three months, his laughter is more intentional and more contagious. (And no one can make him laugh like his sissy can! She’s one silly girl!)

Toys and activities. This boy has to be constantly on the move. He loves to swing, walk around, dance, and gaze at all of the toys he can’t wait to get his hands on… He has started grabbing his toys and loves his play mat Uncle Matt got him the most!! And bath time is his absolute favorite.

Emotions. He may be a little boy, but he has BIG emotions. He is the happiest baby I have EVER seen… He can also become the angriest baby I have EVER seen. He’s very particular, and if you do something he doesn’t like, he will definitely let you know about it. I believe he gets his quick temper from his daddy!

He has also survived RSV (Praise the Lord!!!) in his few short months out of the womb. He is one strong boy! The past couple of weeks, he has started singing himself to sleep… (when he’s not fighting it). And his vocals are out of this world.

At night, he cannot go to sleep without mommy holding his hand. And I’m afraid he’s going to be a hair twirler just like his sissy. He is starting to look more like a little boy every day… and less like a baby. (It’s going too fast!) He is my sweet, sweet boy. He amazes me daily, and he is so, SO, very loved!!!

(He can also pass gas like a full grown man… Better chalk that up as a milestone!!)

The Mommy Murders (part1)

Warning: While some may understand and find humor in my evil thoughts, others may think I need to be locked in a white, padded cell. Don’t read if you’re easily offended or highly judgmental. If you have a weak sense of humor, go ahead and clutch your pearls now and read no further.

The first time I had serious fantasies about killing my husband was shortly after the birth of our daughter. We had just brought her home and I was still trying to figure out how breastfeeding and engorgement coincided with her schedule. I’d either have to wake up in the middle of the night to pump or wake up a sleeping baby and force her to nurse.

Eventually, she got used to the middle of the night feedings and would wake up in her own… crying. I swear a mother’s hearing is intensified as soon as she gives birth, because every little coo or breath wakes you from that light sleep (the only kind of sleep you get once you become a mother). However, my husband could still sleep through it all. He didn’t share my worries and have to check that she was still breathing every five minutes or have to get up to feed her or burp her or just stare at her in all of her wonder. No. He slept. Through it all.

For this reason, I seriously considered killing him.

If by chance she cried loud enough to disrupt his perfectly deep slumber, then he had the audacity to “shhh” us. I thought it was common knowledge you never “shhh” a sleep-deprived, breast-engorged, hormone-imbalanced momma bear who is giving every ounce of herself to this new life form. I guess he missed the memo.

And for this reason, I would fantasize about the many different ways I could kill him.

I’d usually apologize the next morning for my evil thoughts, and he would just laugh at me. (Which probably didn’t help matters at the time). Naturally when I had our second baby, I thought it would be best for his well being if we didn’t sleep in the same room. Rather than murder my husband, I volunteered to take the couch so I could obsess over the well-being of our newborn son without interrupting my husband or my daughter (yes, we co-sleep. Go ahead and judge me harder, since I’m sure murder has never crossed your perfect mind either).

However, new reasons quickly evolved that my mind considers thoughts-of-murder-worthy.

To be continued…

Dear Baby Boy

Dear baby boy,

I want to start off by saying sorry. I’m sorry for crying. The entire way to the hospital. The morning you were born. Out of guilt for the fear of ruining your sister’s life. And I’m sorry for ever thinking I couldn’t love you as fully and completely as I love your sister. Because, boy, was I wrong.

From the moment I met you, I knew my world, my life, and my heart would never be the same. I finally understood that love is something that cannot be measured or contained. You burst my heart wide open once again and I knew, immediately, I’d fallen head over heels in love for the third time in my life.

I’m sorry I can’t seem to put you down. It’s something I promised myself I would do: make you more independent and self-reliant than your sister. But as a bundle of cuteness with all of your newness, I just can’t seem to bring myself to let you out of my sight or hands for a single second.

After all, I know how fast these moments pass. I know how fast the newness wears off. And I know how fast you’ll change, and I don’t want to miss a moment. Your sister taught me this. So maybe I’m not sorry for this one.

I’m sorry I haven’t written a word in your baby book. In fact, I’m sorry you didn’t even have a baby book until the day you were born (thanks for that, Nana). I’m not trying to make excuses, but, you see, with a wild toddler and a tiny newborn (both extremely needy), I haven’t exactly had a ton of spare time (or any for that matter).

I’m sorry for how forceful your sister loves you. She can be a bit aggressive in the kiss and hug and tickle departments, but she means well. And she wants to hold you ALLLLL of the time. (Actually, this is another one I’m really not sorry for, because it’s just so darn cute. And I hope it lasts forever). I actually love the way she loves you.

Next, there are so many things I love about you.
I love your crooked grin and sweet, sleepy chuckle. I love your noisy yawn and the way you sometimes sleep with one eye open. I love your pointy ear and the way you grunt until you get what you want. The way you snort like a little piggy and root around…

I love how you act like a baby bird when you’re hungry and the way you inch your way into the position you want to be held. And I love the sound of your hiccups that you get every time after burping. I love everything about you.

Because I’m an English teacher and also have a strong love of words, I often wonder why I can’t find one powerful enough to express all of my feelings for you. How can I possibly describe my love for you without using a million verbs, adjectives, and exclamation points? The answer is I can’t. Proof, again, that love cannot be contained. Not even in a word.

Just know that I love you with all of my heart, all of my soul, all of my being. I love you entirely.
XOXO,

Mommy

A Letter to My Best Girl, My Firstborn

Dear Heart and Soul,

Dear First Love,

Dear Daughter,

Any day now and you will no longer be my only. While I am excited to meet your baby brother, my heart is breaking as our days of only us are quickly coming to an end. I ache from missing this time already. For the past 2+ years my whole world has revolved around you, and your wants, your needs, your dreams, and my dreams for you. As the world you’ve known your whole life is about to change, there are some things I need you to know.

I wasn’t ready for you, yet I was so ready for you. I wasn’t ready for the recovery or engorgement. I wasn’t ready to give up my showers, my body, my sleep, my boobs, my hair… or my heart. But you came along and took it anyways, and I’m so glad that you did.

I wasn’t ready to go back to work and leave you. I wasn’t ready for your first words, your first steps, your first gains at becoming the independent girl you are now… I wasn’t ready for my heart to be burst wide open. I wasn’t ready for any of it, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

You forced me to grow up and taught me to love stronger, deeper, fuller, and more selflessly than I ever thought possible. You forced me to become a better person, more compassionate, more sympathetic, more patient. You forced me to give more of myself than I even knew I could. You taught me to be a mother.

You’re the first, my first—my first love—the first baby I’ve told “I love you” to what seems like one hundred times a day. The first baby whose nose I sucked, whose butt I wiped, whose puke I caught, whose pee I just kind of slept in when I was too tired to change the sheets. I made mistakes. I forgot too much. But you loved me anyways. Thank you for loving me anyways.

I’m writing this letter for you, but for me too. Our baby is coming soon… As our family is about to expand, the feelings for me are bittersweet. Because I love you so fully, so completely, so much more than I’ll ever be able to put into words, I’m wondering how I will love another soul as uncontrollably and passionately as I love you… I’ve been told that love is immeasurable, and that it will magically expand tenfold. But when that happens, I don’t want you to feel left out.

So as our world changes and we bring our new baby home, I pray that you never feel second best, or jealous, or ignored. I’m so sorry you will no longer be my only. I’m so sorry for the mistakes I’ve made and the things I’ve forgotten. And I’m so sorry for drastically changing the world as you now know it.

At the same time, I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for the love you’re about to share. I’m not sorry you’re about to gain a new best friend, someone I pray you love with all of your might and protect all of your days. I’m not sorry, because you’re going to be such a great big sister. I can’t wait to watch you hold him, make him laugh, play with him, teach him things. I can’t wait to watch you love him.

Just always remember that you were my first—I loved you first. You taught me so many things… You taught me how to be a mom. You taught me how to really love. Always remember that you are my best girl. And always remember that every fiber of me loves every fiber of you. I adore you. And these things will never change.

XOXO,

Mommy

Thank You, Sweet Baby Jesus, for These Mommy Treasures

Thank you to the great Lord above for these too-overlooked inventions many moms (myself included) too often take for granted.

The woombie: a straight jacket made especially for infants. I mean what other option does it give them besides to go to sleep? Seriously. This creation was definitely heaven-sent!
The nose frida, aka the nose sucker. Gives you a vivid image of exactly what is being extracted from your little ones’ noses… By your mouth! I’m a super fan of this miraculous creation. It’s the only time your amount of success is dependent upon the amount of snot you can suck out of another human’s nasal cavity… with your mouth! Super, sticky, monster boogie? Snot that seems to stretch at least a foot? Winner, winner chicken dinner!! But seriously, a life saver! (and works extra great when paired with the wombie). Did I mention you suck out snot… with your mouth?!
Baby fingernail clippers. The tiny contraption which removes the razor sharp weapons growing from your child’s fingers.
Shells and cheese, fruit snacks, and Popsicles. Because if it weren’t for these not-so nutritious foods, I’m not sure my child would ever eat.
Gripe water: the miracle worker in liquid form. For eliminating gas, fussiness, and any other negative elements coming from your baby and morphing your child into the easy, compliant, go-with-the-flow baby you never knew existed.
Last but definitely not least and though uncomfortable, Spanx and sports bras. For somehow managing to suck in the distorted pieces of your new “mom bod” and putting things [close enough to] back in place for at least a little while 😉

First Night Alone

Being a mom is scary. The past two+ years (Whoa! Where has the time gone?!) have been full of fears and failures. As the time is getting closer to have your brother, I can’t help but remember the first night you cried inconsolably. You had been such a good baby, a good eater, and a good sleeper. However, I was still recovering from a 10 hour delivery, and was still so exhausted.

When you started crying that first time, you didn’t want to eat or need to be changed, and nothing I did was helping. So I did all that I could, and then I cried too.

Not because I had had enough or was overwhelmed, but because I couldn’t help you. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what you needed, and I wanted to be all you needed and to be able to comfort you and dry your tears.

I’m sure with both of us crying hysterically, Daddy probably was freaking out on the inside… but being the natural problem solver he is, he didn’t let it show and handled both of us like a champ.

That was a scary night for a first time mom, but we figured it out together. And with some gas drops, everything worked itself out and you continued to be that good eater and good sleeper…

…until about six months when we transitioned out of the heaven-sent woombie… but that’s another story.

Sweetest Sounds in All the Land

Dear daughter,

The first time I heard your heartbeat I knew that quick pitter-patter was the most wonderful sound my ears had ever heard. I anxiously awaited each checkup to again hear that welcome rhythm. It was the best sound this mama had ever heard… That is, until I heard you cry.

The moment you came into this world, your cries filled the room… and my heart. This creature who had been living and growing inside me for what seemed like forever, became real. Became mine. And I cried too. I cried tears of joy, because I knew there could never possibly be a sweeter sound in all the lands… That is, until I heard you giggle.

After just a couple of months here in the world, you learned to giggle. And I thought my heart would explode with the overflow of joy. As these sweet giggles eventually turned into full-out, deep-belly, throw-your-head-back-and-laugh outbursts, I wanted nothing more than to hear these joyful and comical cackles as much as possible. I was sure there would never be a more beautiful sound… That is, until you said my name.

After just seven months as your mouth formed my name, a new sound captured my heart all over again. This word meant recognition, need, love (or at least to me it did). I thought I would never tire of hearing “mama,” because nothing had ever sounded so pure or more perfect than your little voice saying my name. And nothing ever would, I thought. That is, until you said “I love you.”

For the past few months, you have been saying “Love you.” And I live for those moments, when I get home from work and you are sitting in my arms, you look up at me, squeeze me, and say “love you.” Now I am certain this is definitely it: the greatest sound in the universe.

And I am also absolutely, entirely, 100% positive that there has never been a sweeter, more beautiful, pure, or perfect sound ever uttered in all of eternity. And I hope to hear it every day for the rest of my life…

(Even though some days I have to force it out of you…)

I'm just a mother to two of God's greatest gifts looking for the grace in life's messes.