You thought you were a calm and peaceful person… until you had kids. Now, there are times when you feel you are an angry mom with a few common triggers and you feel guilty. Don’t fret, there’s a big reason many mothers get angry and the solution might be easier than you think. My jumbo-half-full glass of Diet Coke poured off my bedside table… Onto the carpet… And the nearby power strip. I jumped up explosively from the bed, threw my hands in the air, and yelled, ‘Again!!!’ My 12-month-old stood by giggling, trying to eat the ice. The ice that
I remember being pregnant with you… To be frank, I was miserable. I was burning alive, aching all over, stretched to the max, and aching some more. I saw other pregnant moms with this pregnancy glow talking about how they loved being pregnant and feeling their babies move and how pregnancy was what they were meant for. Not going to lie, this scared the be-jeezus out of me, because I didn’t have ANY of those feelings whatsoever.
Yes, I wanted to feel you move, but only enough to know you were still okay. Anything more than that I considered torture. You were nearly two feet long in my abnormally short torso, so neither of us had much room left. I’m sure you were nearly as miserable as me.
But seeing other moms so content and confident made me worry I didn’t have the bond with you that they did with their babies. I had read the horror stories of some moms developing the postpartum blues and rejecting their babies… I was fearful that since I didn’t love pregnancy, I wouldn’t love you. Oh, how I was wrong.
After hours of pushing, I was making silent plea bargains with you: “I’m doing all I can, baby, if you’ll help me out here, I’ll help you out too.” “We’re a team, let’s help each other.” And since I had made you a promise, I would push harder.
Looking back, I realize that I was already attached and just didn’t know it. Then after more hours of the hardest work-out I have ever done in my life (cross-fit has nothing on labor), the doctor threw you in my arms (literally threw you) and you were crying the most beautiful noise I have ever heard in my life and you were the sweetest thing I had ever seen in my life and I was more in love than I ever had been in my life. I remember thinking to myself: “We definitely have the bond.”
And we have been inseparable ever since.
Last night as I was laying with you in my arms, I couldn’t help but tear up and think when did you get so big? How did I miss it? As a few tears rolled down, I hugged you a little tighter, smelled you a little longer, and kissed you a few times more. I stroked the features that make up your perfect and beautiful face. I twisted your soft curls that have grown so wild and long. When did my tiny, baby infant start turning into a toddler? And how did I miss it?
As I wondered how I had missed so much of your life already, the bitterness and resentment started to creep in. I started blaming it on daddy, and I thought I could hate him for making me miss this. How dare he take this from me! I want so bad to spend the days with you, to watch you learn and grow, to teach you things, to give you the structure you need, and he would not even entertain the idea. I’ve missed so much, and it’s his entire fault… right?
I woke up still a little bitter as this thought has been somewhere in the back of my mind for a while now. And I realized the enemy is trying to attack, trying to bring me down; he was taking advantage of my sadness and weakness in this moment. I do not hate or resent Daddy at all. I love him. It was not his decision alone that I continue to work. In fact, until recently, it wasn’t feasible or financially possible. We made that decision together, and I know he wants the best for our family as much as I do. So I pray now:
Dear Father God,
Protect me and my house from the enemy, Lord; for he is real, and he is fierce. Continue to strengthen my marriage and relationships and weaknesses. Put the enemy to shame as he seeks to steal my light and my joy. You are my strength and my shield. If You are for us, then nothing can stand against.
Thank You for this life and the precious gifts You’ve given me. Thank You for my husband who works hard to give me and my daughter a beautiful life and who loves my daughter unconditionally and me completely. Thank You for my daughter who teaches me life lessons almost every day I get to spend with her. Thank You for understanding my aching heart for more time with her. You know the desires of my heart and I trust You with them.
You have blessed me with more than I deserve and I am forever grateful, Lord. You are my great God and King of above all kings. Thank You for these blessings and for Your protection. Guide me to be an even better wife and mother and human. Forgive me for my failures.
In Your holy name, Amen
Immediately, I feel a sense of relief; although, I still dream for a future where I get to spend all of my days doing what I love most. While I do not know what life has in store, I know it will be better than I can imagine with God by my side.
I am beyond tired… exhausted. In fact, I don’t even remember what it feels like to not be tired. It has been one of those weeks where my students are extra challenging, my patience is shot, my brain is fried, and I just want to be home with my daughter.
I am trying… trying so hard to reach some of my students. But how can I, one person, reverse everything they’ve been through and everything they’ve been taught and grown to know for the past 16 years. I am discouraged and honestly don’t know if I can do it anymore.
How can I possibly help these students who don’t want to be helped, who don’t even know they need help? Why does it take such a toll on me and not even affect them in the slightest? Is this what I am meant to be, meant to do? Because right now, my heart just wants to be a mom… to give 100% of myself to that task: something I love doing, something that comes easy, something that I think I’m good at.
Sometimes, at the end of the work day, I have no energy left. And the days are not getting easier. Please refill my rest-tank before I make it home, so that I can give, do, and be my all for my family.
Thank You for Your promise of rest. Thank You for understanding a mother’s heart and soul. Thank You for wanting me to be refreshed and renewed.
Please replenish my energy for my family and renew my spirit for when I get home… and for my job tomorrow.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
“I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.” Jeremiah 31:25
Great is Your faithfulness, Oh God. Thank you for Your promises.
I look around at the students I teach, and so many of them are missing something. I look around at adults I know, some even friends and family, who are missing the same thing. Something I could not put my finger on.
They just don’t understand small joys in life, but it’s more than that. They take, take, take, but never want to give anything back. It’s like the world owes them something for being born… It finally dawned on me; they’re missing kindness. True kindness.
My greatest wish for my daughter is for her to be kind. To be kind and give back more than she takes… to contribute to the world around her… to be great… But most importantly, to be kind.
This means not talking about others. Standing up for what is right. Even when her whole group doesn’t like one person, if she knows that person is good, to be kind and not participate in the drama or gossip. I pray she stays out of drama.
This means to do what is right even when no one else is. Be a leader, not a follower. Even if she’s standing alone. I pray she is confident and strong enough to always do what is right.
This means to see the cup as half full and to be thankful to even have a cup! Because there are millions and millions of people worse off. I pray she is grateful and has a positive outlook on life.
This means helping those in need. Even strangers. This means contributing to a cause that she believes in and to help the rest of humanity. I pray that she is generous.
This means appreciating every small gift and thoughtful gesture. Because, after all, it is the thought that counts, and no one owes anyone anything. I pray she is thankful.
I just want her to be kind and joyful. I hate to admit it, but the world is lacking these traits more and more each year. How do I instill these qualities in her? When many do not even know what these traits truly entail?
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32