Last night as I was laying with you in my arms, I couldn’t help but tear up and think when did you get so big? How did I miss it? As a few tears rolled down, I hugged you a little tighter, smelled you a little longer, and kissed you a few times more. I stroked the features that make up your perfect and beautiful face. I twisted your soft curls that have grown so wild and long. When did my tiny, baby infant start turning into a toddler? And how did I miss it?

As I wondered how I had missed so much of your life already, the bitterness and resentment started to creep in. I started blaming it on daddy, and I thought I could hate him for making me miss this. How dare he take this from me! I want so bad to spend the days with you, to watch you learn and grow, to teach you things, to give you the structure you need, and he would not even entertain the idea. I’ve missed so much, and it’s his entire fault… right?

I woke up still a little bitter as this thought has been somewhere in the back of my mind for a while now. And I realized the enemy is trying to attack, trying to bring me down; he was taking advantage of my sadness and weakness in this moment. I do not hate or resent Daddy at all. I love him. It was not his decision alone that I continue to work. In fact, until recently, it wasn’t feasible or financially possible. We made that decision together, and I know he wants the best for our family as much as I do. So I pray now:

Dear Father God,

Protect me and my house from the enemy, Lord; for he is real, and he is fierce. Continue to strengthen my marriage and relationships and weaknesses. Put the enemy to shame as he seeks to steal my light and my joy. You are my strength and my shield. If You are for us, then nothing can stand against.

Thank You for this life and the precious gifts You’ve given me. Thank You for my husband who works hard to give me and my daughter a beautiful life and who loves my daughter unconditionally and me completely. Thank You for my daughter who teaches me life lessons almost every day I get to spend with her. Thank You for understanding my aching heart for more time with her. You know the desires of my heart and I trust You with them.

You have blessed me with more than I deserve and I am forever grateful, Lord. You are my great God and King of above all kings. Thank You for these blessings and for Your protection. Guide me to be an even better wife and mother and human. Forgive me for my failures.

In Your holy name, Amen

Immediately, I feel a sense of relief; although, I still dream for a future where I get to spend all of my days doing what I love most. While I do not know what life has in store, I know it will be better than I can imagine with God by my side.