Visit from H.E.double-hockey-sticks

It’s funny how when people you know get pregnant, they, all of a sudden, decide they want to come visit you… Even though you haven’t talked in YEARS… But since you already have a kid and all… they want to get a taste of what it’s like… and decide what crazy things you do, that they will never do…

My advice to you: don’t let this happen! If you haven’t hung out or talked in two or more years, why start now? If you have nothing in common other than the fact you have a child and they have a fetus, don’t invite them over. Here’s my experience with this.

Top 6 judgmental comments made from these visitors (there were plenty more, trust me):

  • “If she slept in the crib you wouldn’t have to worry about it.”

First of all, the boys were out golfing, and the girls were left home.  At naptime (which was twice a day at this point), my daughter sleeps in my bed with either me or a baby monitor watching her. So it was morning naptime, and she was sleeping. Since we had company, I did not lay with her and came out to keep the needy, pregnant wife from being too bored and lonely. Even with the monitor, I am paranoid (it’s just my nature). Anyways, I asked her if she heard anything and went to check on my daughter like I do a million times if I’m not lying down with her. That is when this comment was made.

Although this comment is true, who are you to judge my parenting techniques? I am doing you a favor by changing my routine to accommodate your needy needs, because, honestly, I would much rather be laying and watching my sweet girl sleep than out here attempting artificial conversation with you. I don’t care about the latest sorority gossip. In fact, I don’t care about college life at all anymore. I am a mom with more important things to worry about! So how dare you judge me…

  • “My baby is going to be a go-with-the-flow baby and have to work around my schedule… Life has to go on…”

This comment was made when the visitor was wanting to go do something fun, like go to a casino or the mall or to go look at baby stuff (since it seems the new rave is to get pregnant to buy all the fun/cute stuff rather than actually raise a child?!).

Sorry, I am not going to get a babysitter for my daughter so we can go to some smoke-filled casino and stay up late… That’s not our routine, and I actually enjoy every second I get to spend with my daughter… which there are too few of already. And as far as you having no schedule for your baby, good luck to you. My daughter is actually a good (almost textbook) baby, and I am fortunate to be so lucky with her good behavior and sweet demeanor. Her strict schedule helps with this. If you think she is so unruly, just imagine her not on a schedule… Also, I had a baby to be a parent, not to drop her off every weekend at a babysitter when I am already away from her too much during the work week…

  • “Don’t be one of those weird moms who breastfeeds until your baby is two.” **Insert disgusting looks as I nurse my 10 month old baby girl.

Actually, that was my plan (we made it 18+ months by the grace of God). Actually, I was breastfed until 2+. Actually, I’m a huge advocate of nursing if you can do it. Sorry if you find it gross or unnatural. Don’t look. Actually, just get out of my house.

  • “How much does she weigh??” **Insert looks of disgust as I offer my child a sippy of milk and another snack.

Yes, my daughter is extremely healthy and has always been in the upper 90s percentile in height and weight for her age. (Woohoo, supermilk mama! Insert bows and curtsies, thank you, thank you very much, oh hold the applause, actually no, keep it coming). I love each of her 7 arm rolls and her little, pooched-out belly. Even if my baby is a healthy chunk, she still has to have multiple snacks between meal times a day. I cannot stress it enough: BABIES NEED A SCHEDULE, both for naps and snacks. It’s not that I am overfeeding my baby; it’s that both her father and I were abnormally large babies ourselves… but we turned out normal sized (enough).

Then, the following comments were made as we are at the restaurant and my daughter was playing peek-a-boo with the menu:

  • “Mason! Nooo! We use inside voices here!”

Then use your inside voice wanch and stop yelling at my kid.

Repeat comment 5 about 100 times. And then,

  • “No, you dropped it, so you’re not getting it again.”

Oh, yes, she is… if the menu is keeping her entertained, give her the damn menu! (Sorry for the language, I normally don’t cuss, but this was absolutely necessary).

You know that scene from Mean Girls where Cady envisions herself leaping across the table to attack Regina like a wild animal… yeah, that scene was definitely going through my mind at this point.

In fact, if this ever happens to me again, I am moving tables…. Across the restaurant… and leaving my husband to entertain the couple from college who we have nothing in common with but they are pregnant and wanting to see what life is like with a kid but judging every move you make as a parent because they are expert parents even though they have no kids…. Yeah… So if this couple is wanting to come visit you, just make up an excuse. After all, you really are too busy to entertain.

On a positive note, we haven’t heard from this couple since. It could be that last fit I threw at the restaurant before they left that embarrassed my husband tremendously (yes I said I, not my daughter… But seriously, could you hold your tongue this long? I was stressed to the max, sweating bullets, literally going insane).

And no one disciplines my child for being a silly goose, especially some over controlling, judgmental stranger (no one puts baby in a corner! Grrr! Perhaps I take mama bear a little too seriously?). Hey, this mama bear can only take so much.

And, yes, I had to pray for forgiveness many times for my evil thoughts after this visit. Obviously, I’m still not over it and still a little bitter about the whole situation. So keep the prayers coming, ya’ll!  But, seriously, for the love! Do not feel obligated to let these people come visit… You’ve got much, much better things to do.

2 thoughts on “Visit from H.E.double-hockey-sticks

  1. I absolutely loved this one, You tell them sis, you have the right and believe me I know that Mama Bear instinct all to well. Love you so much, Keep up the good work. ❤

    Like

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