First Night Alone

First Night Alone

Being a mom is scary. The past two+ years (Whoa! Where has the time gone?!) have been full of fears and failures. As the time is getting closer to have your brother, I can’t help but remember the first night you cried inconsolably. You had been such a good baby, a good eater, and a good sleeper. However, I was still recovering from a 10 hour delivery, and was still so exhausted.

When you started crying that first time, you didn’t want to eat or need to be changed, and nothing I did was helping. So I did all that I could, and then I cried too.

Not because I had had enough or was overwhelmed, but because I couldn’t help you. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what you needed, and I wanted to be all you needed and to be able to comfort you and dry your tears.

I’m sure with both of us crying hysterically, Daddy probably was freaking out on the inside… but being the natural problem solver he is, he didn’t let it show and handled both of us like a champ.

That was a scary night for a first time mom, but we figured it out together. And with some gas drops, everything worked itself out and you continued to be that good eater and good sleeper…

…until about six months when we transitioned out of the heaven-sent woombie… but that’s another story.

Sweetest Sounds in All the Land

Sweetest Sounds in All the Land

Dear daughter,

The first time I heard your heartbeat I knew that quick pitter-patter was the most wonderful sound my ears had ever heard. I anxiously awaited each checkup to again hear that welcome rhythm. It was the best sound this mama had ever heard… That is, until I heard you cry.

The moment you came into this world, your cries filled the room… and my heart. This creature who had been living and growing inside me for what seemed like forever, became real. Became mine. And I cried too. I cried tears of joy, because I knew there could never possibly be a sweeter sound in all the lands… That is, until I heard you giggle.

After just a couple of months here in the world, you learned to giggle. And I thought my heart would explode with the overflow of joy. As these sweet giggles eventually turned into full-out, deep-belly, throw-your-head-back-and-laugh outbursts, I wanted nothing more than to hear these joyful and comical cackles as much as possible. I was sure there would never be a more beautiful sound… That is, until you said my name.

After just seven months as your mouth formed my name, a new sound captured my heart all over again. This word meant recognition, need, love (or at least to me it did). I thought I would never tire of hearing “mama,” because nothing had ever sounded so pure or more perfect than your little voice saying my name. And nothing ever would, I thought. That is, until you said “I love you.”

For the past few months, you have been saying “Love you.” And I live for those moments, when I get home from work and you are sitting in my arms, you look up at me, squeeze me, and say “love you.” Now I am certain this is definitely it: the greatest sound in the universe.

And I am also absolutely, entirely, 100% positive that there has never been a sweeter, more beautiful, pure, or perfect sound ever uttered in all of eternity. And I hope to hear it every day for the rest of my life…

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(Even though some days I have to force it out of you…)