Dear Heart and Soul,
Dear First Love,
Any day now and you will no longer be my only. While I am excited to meet your baby brother, my heart is breaking as our days of only us are quickly coming to an end. I ache from missing this time already. For the past 2+ years my whole world has revolved around you, and your wants, your needs, your dreams, and my dreams for you. As the world you’ve known your whole life is about to change, there are some things I need you to know.
I wasn’t ready for you, yet I was so ready for you. I wasn’t ready for the recovery or engorgement. I wasn’t ready to give up my showers, my body, my sleep, my boobs, my hair… or my heart. But you came along and took it anyways, and I’m so glad that you did.
I wasn’t ready to go back to work and leave you. I wasn’t ready for your first words, your first steps, your first gains at becoming the independent girl you are now… I wasn’t ready for my heart to be burst wide open. I wasn’t ready for any of it, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
You forced me to grow up and taught me to love stronger, deeper, fuller, and more selflessly than I ever thought possible. You forced me to become a better person, more compassionate, more sympathetic, more patient. You forced me to give more of myself than I even knew I could. You taught me to be a mother.
You’re the first, my first—my first love—the first being I’ve told “I love you” to what seems like one hundred times a day. The first being whose nose I sucked, whose butt I wiped, whose puke I caught, whose pee I just kind of slept in when I was too tired to change the sheets. I made mistakes. I forgot too much. But you loved me anyways. Thank you for loving me anyways.
I’m writing this letter for you, but for me too. Our baby is coming soon… As our family is about to expand, the feelings for me are bittersweet. Because I love you so fully, so completely, so much more than I’ll ever be able to put into words, I’m wondering how I will love another soul as uncontrollably and passionately as I love you… I’ve been told that love is immeasurable, and that it will magically expand tenfold. But when that happens, I don’t want you to feel left out.
So as our world changes and we bring our new baby home, I pray that you never feel second best, or jealous, or ignored. I’m so sorry you will no longer be my only. I’m so sorry for the mistakes I’ve made and the things I’ve forgotten. And I’m so sorry for drastically changing the world as you now know it.
At the same time, I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for the love you’re about to share. I’m not sorry you’re about to gain a new best friend, someone I pray you love with all of your might and protect all of your days. I’m not sorry, because you’re going to be such a great big sister. I can’t wait to watch you hold him, make him laugh, play with him, teach him things. I can’t wait to watch you love him.
Just always remember that you were my first—I loved you first. You taught me so many things… You taught me how to be a mom. You taught me how to really love. Always remember that you are my best girl. And always remember that every fiber of me loves every fiber of you. I adore you. And these things will never change.